Miley Cyrus Twerks Herself Scary Skinny, the ‘Bachelorette’ Has Had Enough + More in This Week’s Tabloids
We read Us Weekly, OK!, Star, In Touch and Life & Style so you don’t have to. It’s the burden we bear.
This week, ‘Bachelorette’ Desiree Hartsock figured out that bachelors can be douchebags, Brangelina made us feel bad by being extremely happy and still pretty, female celebrities left the house without makeup, Jessica Simpson very dramatically delivered a boy baby — and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
After spending way too much time with her bachelors from hell, ‘Bachelorette’ Desiree Hartsock is begging to go home. She’s been humiliated, betrayed and driven to tears, but really it was the constant smell of sulfur wafting from the hellboys that made her ready to quit.
She also felt the producers could have picked participants with actual names instead of the usual lineup of The Fame Whore, The Liar and The Player. Really, how could she not see those guys coming a mile away?
We were going to ask him out for a cocktail, but then Johnny Depp said, “I got sober for my kids.” Of course, if we did ask him out for a cocktail and he turned us down, that would totally be the reason we'd tell our friends. Also, we probably wouldn’t let him wear his pirate/Native American makeup, so he wouldn’t want to come anyway.
Oh who are we kidding. We’d let Johnny Depp wear whatever he wanted if only he'd get drunk with us. But he won’t. Because of his kids.
Meanwhile, the lovely and knocked up Kate Middleton is nearing the end of her baby countdown with her early delivery plan. Seems the House of Windsor is very forthcoming with all personal details of icky medical procedures that we wouldn’t even want to discuss with our own mothers, let alone with beautiful women whose pristine image we don’t want crashing down in visions of painfully overstretched nether regions.
See? We just did it. Sometimes there is such a thing as too much information when it comes to celebrities.
It’s a little too soon for baby talk – although that seems to be all the rage at this point – but Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuoco are Hollywood’s sexy new couple. Superman and Queen of the Nerds. This is a match made in celebrity couple heaven.
Watch out, though, ‘Man of Steel’ star, Kaley’s like the little sis we all wished we had, and if you upset her, even just a little bit, we will come to L.A. and pretend we could take you. (Admittedly we would lose our nerve and just leave a frowny-face note on whatever awesome car you drive, but still, WATCH IT, BUSTER.)
It’s officially another sunny day on Brangelina Isle as Angie and Brad prepare for a wedding and a baby. Exclamation! The sun is rising over a pristine beach and free mai tais are plentiful, and as their wedding dreams come true, Angie prepares to give birth to one more child.
Because if there’s anything those two just don’t have enough of, it’s kids. Kids and self-importance.
OK! has an engagement exclusive with Kim Kardashian. Based on endorsement deals and past sex tape behavior, that’s about the only thing Kim has exclusively with anyone. One could assume the engagement is with Kanye, but it might possibly be with a dozen cronuts. Time – and the covers of the tabloids – will tell.
We were very concerned to find out that young Hollywood is in trouble. Celebs like Paris Jackson, Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes can’t seem to handle their celebrity. Or their over-the-counter medications. They also can’t handle their stylists. (We’re pretty sure it’s young Hollywood hair that’s really in trouble.)
Former ‘Girl Next Door’ and Hef girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett seems to have said, somewhere in the vicinity of OK!, “I’m having a baby!” There are no photos of a nursery (as is usually the case) or stories of a delivery plan, so it’s difficult to tell if she actually meant she was preggers or if they didn't hear the last word of the statement - "Ruth" - and she was just really hungry.
It was Fun with Photoshop Week at Star, and boy did they make the most of it, giving us a summer special full of stars without makeup. They left no one unscathed, including the good, the bad and even the OMG.
What we’ve learned from these types of photos is that for every celebrity, there is a horrible angle from which to get a shot. And if you can happen to catch them looking tired or about to sneeze, then you’ve stumbled on a gold mine. These truly are the shocking photos they don’t want you to see. Or, couldn’t care less about.
Oh no. Sandra Bullock is in love with her married bodyguard. Well, maybe she’s in love with her married bodyguard. It’s a big question mark right now. Even so, Miss Congeniality should know better than to mess around with some other woman’s man, especially after what happened to her, so we're guessing this is a non-starter.
But of course there’s no end to the drama at the Kardashian ranch. This time, Kris has driven Bruce out. But that’s not all! He took Kylie and Kendall with him. You might think those are their daughters, but they're actually just two commemorative boxes of Wheaties.
He named them. They’re his only friends. Mainly because they don’t yell at him or have reality shows or Instagram accounts.
Once again, we go one too many stops on the information train. This time we zoom pass decency and go inside Jessica Simpson’s dramatic delivery.
The worst part about all these celebs being pregnant is having to hear about the icky medical stuff like Jess’s last minute C-section panic. They dial it down a notch, though, and give us the full story behind the baby’s name, Ace.
Look, name your kid whatever you want, but if you can't put the words "Supreme Court Justice" in front of it without laughing your ass off, maybe pick something else.
In other news, Paula Deen, if you hadn’t noticed, has been in a career free fall. She’s lost $5 million and counting. We can’t help but think it’s a good thing her specialty is comfort food, because she’s really gonna need it now. Butter and all.
Tamra Barney of ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’ told In Touch “why I tried to commit suicide.” She just got married, so you would hope there weren’t any surprises that night. But since it’s her third time around the bend, maybe she just didn’t want to learn how to spell yet another last name.
Also, In Touch has exclusive and amazing pics of baby Angelina Jolie and her mother. Thus dashing our long-held belief that she was actually formulated in a golden test tube.
Life & Style
According to Life & Style, Khloe Kardashian has baby news, which basically involves her saying, “Now it’s my turn.” Seems a very excited Khloe has stunned her family with an emotional announcement. (What is the tabloids' obsession with this woman's womb? It's like she's Jennifer Aniston or something.)
Anyway, there’s also a bit about how Khloe's beating the odds, but fertility stuff is just as gross as delivery stuff, so we skipped past it.
Oh look, it’s time to visit Troubled Hollywood again. Poor Miley Cyrus is stressed and skinny and her weight has plummeted. This makes little sense to us since she wasn’t exactly large to begin with. The word “plummet” implies that her weight fell a great distance, but it’s not like it had very far to go. (After watching her never-ending attempts to twerk, though, maybe they just meant what little weight she possesses has dropped into her ass where it'll be useful.)
Aww. It’s time for some cute. Life & Style has the first pics of Adele’s baby. Now we’re finally talking about a part of this process we can get on board with. When it comes to strangers, forget the baby-making and especially the baby-having -- we just want to get straight to the baby gawking.
Celebrities, present your babies! And if you don’t want to have babies, trust us -- we're just as satisfied by photos of your pets.
Oh, oops. We said "Jennifer Aniston" earlier and apparently that was enough to conjure her up like Beetlejuice. This week, though, it isn't about poor Jen's uterus -- seems L&S needed to switch up the script so instead, we're treated to a story about how her fiance Justin now has cold feet.
Put some socks on and marry the woman already, man. She’s Jennifer Aniston. Like you'll ever do any better.